Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Papa revised

 I wrote this a few years ago but revised it. 


After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep And most likely had fallen asleep at the wheel. 


My grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. At times papa had a desk job for the union i believe. He would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now, as an adult, I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop everything to answer his phone and talk to me, between 7 and 10 years old, I would ramble on about who knows what,  and I’d say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". 


When I was 15 I got suspended from school. He was in the area and he came to visit. He walks into my room, looks at me with this amused gleam in his eye, pulls 50 bucks from his pocket.  "heres some mad money since your mom’s mad at you"  and winks at me and leaves.

To this day I parent my kids with him in mind. His laugh, his generosity, his work ethic, all passed down from him to me and carried on down. The way Sarah works so hard, Sydneys sense of generosity, Bradley’s ability to see right through people’s BS, even the blue eyes, all from him. 


I was 16 when I left my mom’s  house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call it was 8am and I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" ... 


I said “well what hospital is he in?” and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, in the house he built with his own two hands, the riding  lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the Ford escort he had planned on making into my first car, (including a roll cage and harness😂 still out by the creek. Thousands of projects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about   3:17 am. 


Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. He’s the first man she ever loved, and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  My daughters I’m sure could tell you that’s true but I hadn’t ever been able to relate to that honestly. Then I was reading about people who lose a parent early in life. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad, someone most likely would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents. For all intents and purposes, in my little girl full of sunshine heart, HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle (although I am forever grateful for my step dad Brad Morrow, for taking that job and for being the best step dad almost like a real dad ever) and to take my boys fishin. Hell, he should have been there to see Sarah walk down the aisle. He was a marine once and oh would he have loved Justin. 


 They say “the death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. “ Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.


I realize no one can understand what im going through, but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I can’t  stand being alone, am constantly looking for validation from men in my life,  am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... “life is the future not the past” but it’s good to get an idea, of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said “71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day”. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa. I think of him every single day. It never gets easier. All I can hope is that I love and love in a way that I honor his memory, and that I learn from his lessons. Cherish your parents. Please. Someday you will wish you had. 


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