Mom
On this, the evening of the anniversary of my second failed marriage, as I sat alone in my kitchen, hoping my husband would have mercy enough to come see me, I am listening to a podcast by life church called “bad advice”. Tonight’s podcast specifically was about “how to commit adultery”. This pastor, Craig Groeschel, is really good. Anyway it’s tongue in cheek and supposed to be funny. #1. Neglect your marriage #2 enjoy common interests with and emotionally bond with someone other than your spouse.
Interesting. I didn’t do either of those things when Matt and I were married.
#3 make excuses and rationalize your bad choices, blame your spouse. Well there may have been a little of that. Especially when he was arrested. But i honestly don’t believe that lead to my affair.
So Craig goes into what sexual sin is and why it’s so bad and this is all very enlightening, and he starts listing off the things to do to prevent yourself from straying.
Keep a growing relationship with Christ, Never be alone with the wrong people, Never talk bad about your spouse, surround yourselves with strong marriages, avoid all inappropriate places and situations, invest passionately in your marriage, be intoxicated by each other, and last..... visualize the potential destruction. Aha. That last one. Yah, I didn’t do that one.
If I had visualized even a small portion of the destruction that came of my choice to commit adultery... the way I would break the hearts of Matt’s parents, his brothers, their wives and kids, people I would never have wanted to hurt, I would never ever have allowed myself to go down that path.
More importantly if I had truly known the devastation I was bringing to Sarah, Dylan, Bradley, and Sydney, I would have stopped dead in my tracks.
I have ALWAYS known how to be a good mom. I knew what I needed and never had growing up. I knew how to be tender and nurturing and how to value my kids as humans. How to be present and available and uphold moral values like kindness and generosity. I knew how and so wanted to be selfless when it came to my kids. I knew how to stand up for them, teach them. I knew how to have fun and bond with them so they would feel secure. I knew how to model an amazing marriage, one that was a picture of Gods love for us. So that they would never settle for anything less than a beautiful God-filled marriage. I knew how to teach my kids to question everything, have a thirst for knowledge, challenge things or people they knew were wrong, be honest, and trustworthy. I knew how to say no, and stand by it. But I Also knew how to be soft and change my mind.
Because of the sin that I committed, I deprived my kids of all of those things, and deprived myself of the joy of giving it to them. My kids are grown, or are growing up, without those teachable moments I could have taken, they are completely different people then they would have been if they had had me. They have learned not to trust people and now, they are choosing to remove themselves more and more from my life. One very very bad choice effected so many lives and after over 7 years I’m still just grasping, trying to get my feet to stand on solid ground long enough to try and salvage any relationship at all with my children, the very last people on this planet I ever wanted to hurt. I’m so sorry.
