“All people do all day is try an manipulate each other!” “You’re the most Manipulative person I know” “I see your manipulation, and I don’t like it”.
The origin of the word manipulate comes from the root Latin and later French word “manipulus” which means “handful”.
2a: to manage or utilize skillfullyquantify our data and manipulate it statistically— S. L. Payne
Even the more negative definitions use the word artful, or skillful, not necessarily underhanded.
As humans we have been granted free will. This is why it can be said that everyone only does what they want. Even if it may not seem like it, no one can force anyone else to do anything. There are thousands of factors that are going to help determine what we want. There are hundreds of thousands of opportunities to change someone’s determination of what they want.
When humans are in the toddler stage, the manipulation begins. Parents and caregivers use dozens of various forms of discipline, reward systems, and reactions to communicate how it is we want the toddler to perform. This by its very nature is a form of manipulation. Our purpose, as parents is, at least we believe, not only for the good of the child but an absolute necessity for survival. Eat your vegetables and you will get a treat. Vegetables equal good health, vital nutrients for life, and getting our children to eat them is absolutely necessary. “Getting our children to…”
As we get older the manipulation becomes reciprocal. Child believes she wants a new toy (by the way who manipulated her into wanting it?) so she acts in a way to change or manipulate her parents to buy her this toy. She may start by using her best manners, doing her schoolwork, keeping her room tidy. If this form of manipulation is successful she is given what she wanted and will either a: stop manipulating until she wants something else or b: continue the behavior knowing there is something else she will want eventually.
If the manipulation tactics are not successful however, she will most likely turn to other forms of manipulation. She may beg, she may cry, she may even act out in defiance depending on the history of the parents reaction to this. In some cases parents, either because of sheer lack of resources ie: time, energy, or patience will respond to these forms of manipulation by giving the child what she wants! The resulting chaos of having given in to such obviously inappropriate attempts at manipulation are profound. Children are human after all although sometimes we doubt this. It’s almost as black and white as a math equation. Child will continue in whichever behavior gets her what she wants.
I’ve heard many parents say “my child only behaves in the way I want them to when they want something. “Well… Doesn’t everyone only behave in the way everyone else wants them to when they want something?
Bare with me here. Is the actual problem, when someone is upset or feels as though they are being manipulated, that the performance isn’t up to par? Maybe when people complain about their kids acting a certain way it’s because the kids are not quite manipulating in the right way. I know most people don’t want to accept the fact that their kids are manipulating them. But in reality what parents want is for their kids to do a better job of it.
Even if what you want is quite basically for other people to stay in your life or to be around someone else or for someone else to pay attention to you, we as humans are constantly looking for the way in which we need to act or manipulate others in order to get what we want from them.
So the questions, in every relationship, we are essentially asking each other are:
what is it you want from me and what are you willing to do to get it?
what do I need to do for you or how do I need to behave to get what I want ?
are you willing to do what I want you to do or behave the way I want you to behave in order to keep me around?
How must I behave in order to get you to stay?
So where pray tell does Love fall in all of this? Why do we love who we love? Do you actually love me or or you just telling me you do in order to get what you want. This is where people get confused. My kids are human, and I am human, therefore I try and teach them The way in which I want them to perform in order to get what they want from me. The very very core part of this that’s not manipulation is that sometimes the reason they want to look to me to provide what they want is because they love me. Most kids has many people in their life who can provide what they want for me it is a privilege when they choose me to be the sad provider. Number one because it shows they know I’m capable, number two it shows in general that they understand me and that they know I understand them and number three I’m happy to provide what they want because I usually get happiness out of whatever performance I’m expecting. I don’t gain happiness from watching other people’s kids become good drivers, I am happy when my own kids are good drivers. My kids want to drive, therefore they choose to show me they are good drivers, this makes me happy, so I give them what they want to be able to drive.
I’ve recently noticed that it’s becoming more obvious to me as an adult what each adult and my life is hoping to get from me. Some of them want me attention some want my help some just want someone to talk to or someone they can trust. A lot of people appreciate my problem solving skills and advice and that is such a compliment to me. Some people genuinely like my company. They like how they feel when they are around me. It’s really only when I cannot figure out what someone wants that I begin to panic. The rejected by her parents little girl comes out and goes into fight or flight mode. Because I am so intently self aware, at least I believe I am, it’s way more productive to be up front in communicating what it is you want from me right at the start. I will tell you exactly the forms of manipulation work best for me 😉
