Done.

I can’t open my Bible. I’m so discouraged and disheartened and pissed off at God I’m not even sure where to go from here. I know I heard you. And obeyed. Even to the point of losing my relationship with my daughter in order to follow what you were asking me to do. How could you let this happen? I’m lucky to be alive. I get to spend more time with my children, they get more time with me. But for what? So they can see their mom in pain? I’m just so over it. You are not a comfort or my lifeline today God. I don’t even want to try and understand. #thywillbedone #done

Mom

Mom

On this, the evening of the anniversary of my second failed marriage, as I sat alone in my kitchen, hoping my husband would have mercy enough to come see me, I am listening to a podcast by life church called “bad advice”. Tonight’s podcast specifically was about “how to commit adultery”. This pastor, Craig Groeschel, is really good. Anyway it’s tongue in cheek and supposed to be funny. #1. Neglect your marriage #2 enjoy common interests with and emotionally bond with someone other than your spouse. 

Interesting. I didn’t do either of those things when Matt and I were married. 

#3 make excuses and rationalize your bad choices, blame your spouse. Well there may have been a little of that. Especially when he was arrested. But i honestly don’t believe that lead to my affair. 

So Craig goes into what sexual sin is and why it’s so bad and this is all very enlightening, and he starts listing off the things to do to prevent yourself from straying. 

Keep a growing relationship with Christ, Never be alone with the wrong people, Never talk bad about your spouse, surround yourselves with strong marriages, avoid all inappropriate places and situations, invest passionately in your marriage, be intoxicated by each other, and last..... visualize the potential destruction. Aha. That last one. Yah, I didn’t do that one. 

If I had visualized even a small portion of the destruction that came of my choice to commit adultery... the way I would break the hearts of Matt’s parents, his brothers, their wives and kids, people I would never have wanted to hurt, I would never ever have allowed myself to go down that path. 

More importantly if I had truly known the devastation I was bringing to Sarah, Dylan, Bradley, and Sydney, I would have stopped dead in my tracks. 

I have ALWAYS known how to be a good mom. I knew what I needed and never had growing up. I knew how to be tender and nurturing and how to value my kids as humans. How to be present and available and uphold moral values like kindness and generosity. I knew how and so wanted to be selfless when it came to my kids. I knew how to stand up for them, teach them. I knew how to have fun and bond with them so they would feel secure. I knew how to model an amazing marriage, one that was a picture of Gods love for us. So that they would never settle for anything less than a beautiful God-filled marriage. I knew how to teach my kids to question everything, have a thirst for knowledge, challenge things or people they knew were wrong, be honest, and trustworthy. I knew how to say no, and stand by it. But I Also knew how to be soft and change my mind. 

Because of the sin that I committed, I deprived my kids of all of those things, and deprived myself of the joy of giving it to them. My kids are grown, or are growing up, without those teachable moments I could have taken, they are completely different people then they would have been if they had had me. They have learned not to trust people and now, they are choosing to remove themselves more and more from my life. One very very bad choice effected so many lives and after over 7 years I’m still just grasping, trying to get my feet to stand on solid ground long enough to try and salvage any relationship at all with my children, the very last people on this planet I ever wanted to hurt. I’m so sorry. 

Papa

I wrote this a couple of years ago, today has been 22 years since he's been gone.

After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  why why why do I interact with people the way I do I have some thoughts. 20 years ago Bruce Swisher, my papa, or maternal grandfather passed away. His truck went off the road at 3 am a few miles away from home. He had been driving home from work - he, like my mom, stepdad, uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep for whatever reason and had either fallen asleep or who really knows? Now my grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. Sometimes papa had a desk job for a while,  maybe for the union?  And he would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now as an adult I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop and listen to me, at 7 or 10 years old?  ramble on about who knows what and id say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". I got in trouble. In high school and he came to visit. He sneaks into my room with 50 bucks "heres some mad money since your moms mad at you" lol. I was 16 when I left my moms house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" I said well what hospital is he in and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, the lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the car he had planned on building in to a racecar for me still out by the creek. Thousands of progects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about 3 am. Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. Hes the first man she ever loved and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  Well I never related to that honestly. Then I was reading about children who lose a parent. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad see they probably would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents but for all intents and purposes in my little girl full of sunshine heart HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle and to take my boys fishin. They say death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. " Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

I realize no one can understand what im going through but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I cant stand being alone am always looking for validation from men in my life am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... life is the future not the past but its good to get an idea of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said 71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa.

Boundaries

Proverbs 23:10 says "do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless". While I was reading this, I discovered several other times in the Bible when it mentions these boundary Stones. What is a boundary Stone? I mean obviously I know it's a stone set to Mark a boundary but I wondered as I was reading why this was important. Why is it so important that we don't move them and what does it mean to encroach on the fields of the fatherless? As I start to study of look up some commentaries and one of them mentions Proverbs 15:25 the Lord tears down the proud man's house but he keeps the Widow's boundaries intact well I started thinking to myself; maybe he's not speaking about physical boundaries Matthew Poole's commentary specifically says Do not enrich thyself with the injury of other men; do not invade the rights of others.  Do not enrich thyself with the injury of other men.... don't make yourself better, by hurting someone else. I find it so interesting, that thought process. Isn't that exactly what we are doing though? In the early 90s when psychologists started talking about boundaries, emotionally, they were speaking about limits. Lines that should never be crossed. When we hurt others, in order to further ourselves, that's essentially what we are doing. 

I'm good at unconditional love. Plain and simple. It's not hard for me to love someone regardless of their tendency to hurt me, deceive me, use me. Regardless of the bad decisions they make in life, regardless of the way they think even if we think differently. I can honestly say I've been able to overlook things most people would never ever forgive, because I love. I cannot not love people. 

I used to think that meant I couldn't do anything about it when other people did things that so surpassed boundaries you would have thought the word itself never existed. I thought if I put a stop to this abuse I wasn't loving unconditionally. I was wrong. 

I am asked frequently for advice in raising kids. When it comes to a spoiled child my response is this; kids like rules. They like boundaries. When you give a child hard and fast consequences for their bad decisions it makes them feel secure. Subconsciously it tells them that when the boogie man tries to take them away he would have to stand up to you! The mom who absolutely refused to back down. What easier way do you have to earn respect then to stand by your word as a parent? 

Adults aren't much different. When I say to a friend "this hurts. This is why. And I love you. I want you to know I will always love you. If this continues I cannot have you in my life anymore" it teaches them respect for you and WILL bring you closer. When you allow bad behaviour to continue to effect your life in a negative way it teaches people you think so little of yourself, they may as well think little of you. 

I am slowly learning how to pinpoint exactly what my boundaries are. I know I have them. I know they get crossed constantly. But I know how much happier my relationships will be when I learn to draw them out and stand true. 

Days like today

It's days like today that make people lose their mind.
that make people give up.
it's days like today where we find out what we're made of.
it's days like today where I don't make a big deal and you don't make a big deal
its days like today where I choose my words so carefully and then I'm told to choose my words carefully
it's days like today where I'm left at 1:45 a.m. alone trying to get these thoughts out of my head trying to make someone care
it's days like today that leave me shaking

God what else can you take from me God you've given me so much
it's days like today when I'm walking slow close to the edge I can't possibly believe that no one sees I'm about to fall off I'm not strong enough
it's days like today where I put a smile on my face and pretend like everything is alright but I am screaming inside sobbing uncontrollably and I have no idea how to get it out of me
I keep reminding myself peace peace peace and it's only causing war between my head and my heart.

Buckle Up

As I start to write this blog from 37000 feet in the air already the laptop isn’t working, the person in the seat ahead of me won’t sit still, I don’t have my glasses so I can barely see….. definitely helps my story today. Over the past 72 hours, a seemingly perfectly sane, drug free person in my life literally started acting like a crazy person. Suddenly I was without a place to stay, no clothes, no glasses (which I need pretty much constantly), my daughter and traveling buddy got incredibly sick, my dog was taken somewhere and tied up and I was told I had to figure out what to do with her, my credit card was charged 3 times for one ride on uber and then I was locked out of it. Sydney (my daughter) and I have used every mode of transportation known to man except a boat to get where we are going, my sister’s wedding in Paw Paw Michigan.

A pastor of mine once told my ex husband Matt and I that when God is preparing you for something big you buckle your seatbelt and get ready for a bumpy ride. Now I see many people who hit trials and tribulations, if you will, and the moaning and wailing is excruciating to for the rest of us to watch…. “why me?” “If there is a God He must hate me” blah blah blah….. and sometimes problems are not spiritual warfare, sometimes problems; pain and suffering, are a sign that God is trying to bring us back on track, closer to Him and our hearts in the right place. But therein lies the secret. True obedience to God is painless. Righteousness produces fruits of the spirit, in other words, the result of letting God use you doesn’t cause a panic attack, it causes peace. No matter the circumstance. No matter what the enemy throws at you, being right with God causes Joy. It won’t matter who is mean, or rude, or selfish, we will return with Love.

And so, this morning at 530 am, standing outside a filthy motel where my 12-year-old had slept on top of her jacket for fear of laying her head on the bedding, with no way to travel the 5 miles to the airport in time, since my previously mentioned credit card had been frozen, having had no breakfast and no coffee (great suffering indeed haha) I didn’t even have the urge to start panicking. No wailing and moaning escaped my lips, as a matter of fact I sort of started laughing at how surprised I was that we were stuck. There didn’t seem to be a way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish and I was so cemented in my faith I was shocked at the wall in front of me.

Now the continuation of the story, and the details of the people God used and the miracles that ensued are so amazing and wonderous. Many people made many decisions along the way to help me, to help us, my sister and her almost husband, her mother in law, our aunt Patty, my best friend Cynthia and my very good friend Marissa, my friend Sadi, Matt my ex husband, all helped with such eager hearts and  seemingly without hesitation.  They smiled as each issue came up and gladly put their hands out to help me. This in itself was a miracle.

So here we sit, somewhere around 37000 feet in the air, and the seatbelt light keeps coming on. Sydney and I however, are already wearing ours.

Hebrews 11:33