Flying...

 I wrote this a while back... 

So... on the subject of flying... as you all know I'm a mermaid. We swim. However I'm considering a career change to a monkey? In the meantime I'm a bird. Airlines have got to be the most unproductive behind the times business ive seen. I arrive at fresno air terminal 2 hours ahead. Since I'm a rule follower these days. At approximately half an hour before my flight to Phoenix is scheduled to board we are told that Phoenix has grounded us. Ordering us to wait to board until 430. We are scheduled to leave at 4. This puts us 1 hour past schedule. I have 45 minutes in Phoenix between the time my plane lands and the next flight is scheduled to begin boarding. This means basically when I get off the plane i will have less than 5 minutes to get to my next flight before the door closes. As you may realize I am currently disabled. The pilot is standing there at the gate and he and I banter back and forth about knowing doc brown haha. Then he proceeds to tell me this has been going on with Phoenix for months. What I witness next is a scene out of a movie as 35 people from my flight headed to various parts of the country come to the gate to ask how much time they will have to make it to the next flight. A woman starts crying because she will miss the birth of her grandchild,  a lawyer starts to panic about not making a trial. I am mildly annoyed but # 1 I run on the power of positive thinking and im already picturing myself making it onto my connecting flight #2 my boss has a track record of sending "angels" to help me and #3 its just not that serious. So the flight leaves over an hour late, no one has any idea if they are going to make it (btw im just using logic but would american airlines rather pay for 35 plus hotel rooms or have one plane wait 10 minutes?) Anyway. The people on my flight happen to be absolutely cool and helping each other out, letting those of us who need to make a flight first leave, yelling out which gate to go to it was so cool.) I exit the plane, my chair is there with the sweetest young Jamaican guy and I calmly asked him if he had any experience with with NASCAR or driving in LA. Blank blink....?? "I have to make it to b28 before they shut the door and I dont know if it's already shut so im gonna need you to push quick :-)" he says ok. Hes weaving in and out around toddlers and old people- impressed even me and I worked at dennys! Suddenly he comes up behind an impasse...3pilots, walking at a semi slow pace, side by side.. "geeezuuuus" I hear my Jamaican nascar driver mutter under his breathe and before I even think about it I hear this very loud, but pleasant, and assertive sing song voice come out of my very own mouth "single file please gentlemen!" And like a dance they glance at me, and move single file and we zoom to the gate. As we get to the gate I recognize my new lawyer friend who is headed to Milwaukee.  I hear him saying to the obviously frazzled gate attendant "johnson is here too! Dont leave without her!" Ha! The attendant yells out "gimme your boarding passes and just sitting down wherever!" I hand my driver a tip tell him he is fantastic,  look at the flight attendant and refuse my crutches "shes gonna hop! " ...and now I arrive in Phoenix in time. I think I will stick to swimming and climbing for a while after this trip.I 

The one who got away (from a few years ago).

 Very recently I talked to a person you could consider "the one who got away". I turned him down in hs. He was sweet to me, so cute, and the connection was there. My life would have been VERY different if I had said yes. His life would have been different. I do not live my life with regret. I can think of very few times when I’ve layed my head in my hands and really ached about my decision making. I haven’t had an easy life. Some might say I can only blame myself. I picked men not based on compatibility but on what I believed was chemistry but really it was probably me looking for validation. Not that said “one who got away” wasnt validating me-he was, but maybe because he wasnt broken, didnt NEED me, he knew his own self worth instead of feeling hopeless like SOME of my other love selections, I was scared to let him in. Ladies; don't be like Jenn. Find a man who knows and respects himself,  knows his own worth along with seeing yours. Dont fall into the “oh but I need to save someone “ trap. You dont need to save anyone and they dont need to save you. That's not something healthy to base a relationship or especially a marriage on. Pick someone your dad would pick for you. Pick the person who’s nice to your mom, and carries her bags ALL the way to the train door, ( Justin Gereg ) Pick someone who matches your drive, your moral compass, and your loyal nature. Pick someone who keeps you on your toes and inspires you to be your best you.

Papa revised

 I wrote this a few years ago but revised it. 

After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep And most likely had fallen asleep at the wheel. 

My grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. At times papa had a desk job for the union i believe. He would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now, as an adult, I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop everything to answer his phone and talk to me, between 7 and 10 years old, I would ramble on about who knows what,  and I’d say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". 

When I was 15 I got suspended from school. He was in the area and he came to visit. He walks into my room, looks at me with this amused gleam in his eye, pulls 50 bucks from his pocket.  "heres some mad money since your mom’s mad at you"  and winks at me and leaves.

To this day I parent my kids with him in mind. His laugh, his generosity, his work ethic, all passed down from him to me and carried on down. The way Sarah works so hard, Sydneys sense of generosity, Bradley’s ability to see right through people’s BS, even the blue eyes, all from him. 

I was 16 when I left my mom’s  house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call it was 8am and I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" ... 

I said “well what hospital is he in?” and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, in the house he built with his own two hands, the riding  lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the Ford escort he had planned on making into my first car, (including a roll cage and harness😂)  still out by the creek. Thousands of projects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about   3:17 am. 

Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. He’s the first man she ever loved, and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  My daughters I’m sure could tell you that’s true but I hadn’t ever been able to relate to that honestly. Then I was reading about people who lose a parent early in life. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad, someone most likely would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents. For all intents and purposes, in my little girl full of sunshine heart, HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle (although I am forever grateful for my step dad Brad Morrow, for taking that job and for being the best step dad almost like a real dad ever) and to take my boys fishin. Hell, he should have been there to see Sarah walk down the aisle. He was a marine once and oh would he have loved Justin. 

 They say “the death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. “ Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

I realize no one can understand what im going through, but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I can’t  stand being alone, am constantly looking for validation from men in my life,  am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... “life is the future not the past” but it’s good to get an idea, of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said “71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day”. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa. I think of him every single day. It never gets easier. All I can hope is that I love and love in a way that I honor his memory, and that I learn from his lessons. Cherish your parents. Please. Someday you will wish you had.