I wrote this a couple of years ago, today has been 22 years since he's been gone.
After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am, where I am, why why why do I interact with people the way I do I have some thoughts. 20 years ago Bruce Swisher, my papa, or maternal grandfather passed away. His truck went off the road at 3 am a few miles away from home. He had been driving home from work - he, like my mom, stepdad, uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep for whatever reason and had either fallen asleep or who really knows? Now my grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. Sometimes papa had a desk job for a while, maybe for the union? And he would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now as an adult I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop and listen to me, at 7 or 10 years old? ramble on about who knows what and id say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". I got in trouble. In high school and he came to visit. He sneaks into my room with 50 bucks "heres some mad money since your moms mad at you" lol. I was 16 when I left my moms house. I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school, as a matter of fact when I got the call I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" I said well what hospital is he in and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, the lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the car he had planned on building in to a racecar for me still out by the creek. Thousands of progects left undone, and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about 3 am. Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. Hes the first man she ever loved and no man after will ever fill his shoes. Well I never related to that honestly. Then I was reading about children who lose a parent. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad see they probably would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents but for all intents and purposes in my little girl full of sunshine heart HE WAS MY DAD. He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle and to take my boys fishin. They say death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. " Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.
I realize no one can understand what im going through but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I cant stand being alone am always looking for validation from men in my life am terrified of being abandoned. So many more issues... life is the future not the past but its good to get an idea of why we feel and react the way we do. This article I read said 71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa.
