I would just like to formally apologize to the many many friends and family I pushed away in my attempt to make my marriage work. I played victim for a long time and my children, my friends, and many other family members suffered for it. I tried to convince myself it wasnt my fault and how could anyone get upset when I was trying to do the right thing? I really wanted to keep my vows this time...in sickness and in health. I was wrong about it not being my fault. I owed it to my kids to actually stand up for myself and they suffered for it. My family couldn't stand to see the pain I was in and I watched them drop out of my life one by one. My friends were a shoulder to cry on over and over and I chose to keep the cycle going. I wont do it again. Sarah Dylan Brad Sydney keenen and Kevin I will never make you sit by and watch your mom live her life in pain again. I will choose to stand up for myself. ...for you. Please forgive me. To my family, Janice Tate Debbie Bissmeyer Ronald Betty Tucek and more who arent speaking to me yet please forgive me for causing so much pain that you were basically forced turn your back on me. I get it now really I do. To my friends especially Cynthia and Justin I'm sorry you had to listen to me and see me hurt over and over and over. Thank you. And for those that endured, stepping up to take care of me or my kids because of my selfishness Kaye Potter Cloey Kristine Norg Matt Hull Donna Ledbetter Mike Dustin Francis T Jones Quila Clay and i know there are more...thank you. I will pay you back someday. I am choosing a life now full of peace, prayer, happiness, love, and staying true to myself.
Friday, October 20, 2023
May 2021
I think the worst and best thing about me is that I fall in love with everyone. When I haven’t seen you in 10 years and I ask about your dog or your great auntie by name you will understand. I have been told I buy the best gifts because I think about all of you all the time. I do my absolute best to hold on to a good relationship with Sarah Justin Dylan Catie Jeremiah Brad Sydney Maddy keenen jr and Kevin. But the truth is every single one of those relationships is complicated and fragile. This doesn’t even begin to mention the people
I find most dear in my life like my sisters Cloey and Taylor, my May as well be sisters Lisa and Cynthia. Plus their kids. My dad John, and the list could go on and on. My nana Janice my wish she was still mom in law Charlene and of course her other half. Many people call and text and send smoke signals 20 times a day. They get upset with me when I don’t answer or can’t seem to make the time to pay attention to them even for a second. I’m spread too thin guys. Between trying to be a good mom and work and be a good friend and keep my life on track and by god stay clean... I don’t want anyone to think they aren’t important to me. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and realize I didn’t call 12 people back - 3 of them are my kids. I havent seen my “bestie” Sydney since the dawn of time. Havent seen the little boys in even longer. I love you all so much please please don’t give up on me.