Days like today

It's days like today that make people lose their mind.
that make people give up.
it's days like today where we find out what we're made of.
it's days like today where I don't make a big deal and you don't make a big deal
its days like today where I choose my words so carefully and then I'm told to choose my words carefully
it's days like today where I'm left at 1:45 a.m. alone trying to get these thoughts out of my head trying to make someone care
it's days like today that leave me shaking

God what else can you take from me God you've given me so much
it's days like today when I'm walking slow close to the edge I can't possibly believe that no one sees I'm about to fall off I'm not strong enough
it's days like today where I put a smile on my face and pretend like everything is alright but I am screaming inside sobbing uncontrollably and I have no idea how to get it out of me
I keep reminding myself peace peace peace and it's only causing war between my head and my heart.

Buckle Up

As I start to write this blog from 37000 feet in the air already the laptop isn’t working, the person in the seat ahead of me won’t sit still, I don’t have my glasses so I can barely see….. definitely helps my story today. Over the past 72 hours, a seemingly perfectly sane, drug free person in my life literally started acting like a crazy person. Suddenly I was without a place to stay, no clothes, no glasses (which I need pretty much constantly), my daughter and traveling buddy got incredibly sick, my dog was taken somewhere and tied up and I was told I had to figure out what to do with her, my credit card was charged 3 times for one ride on uber and then I was locked out of it. Sydney (my daughter) and I have used every mode of transportation known to man except a boat to get where we are going, my sister’s wedding in Paw Paw Michigan.

A pastor of mine once told my ex husband Matt and I that when God is preparing you for something big you buckle your seatbelt and get ready for a bumpy ride. Now I see many people who hit trials and tribulations, if you will, and the moaning and wailing is excruciating to for the rest of us to watch…. “why me?” “If there is a God He must hate me” blah blah blah….. and sometimes problems are not spiritual warfare, sometimes problems; pain and suffering, are a sign that God is trying to bring us back on track, closer to Him and our hearts in the right place. But therein lies the secret. True obedience to God is painless. Righteousness produces fruits of the spirit, in other words, the result of letting God use you doesn’t cause a panic attack, it causes peace. No matter the circumstance. No matter what the enemy throws at you, being right with God causes Joy. It won’t matter who is mean, or rude, or selfish, we will return with Love.

And so, this morning at 530 am, standing outside a filthy motel where my 12-year-old had slept on top of her jacket for fear of laying her head on the bedding, with no way to travel the 5 miles to the airport in time, since my previously mentioned credit card had been frozen, having had no breakfast and no coffee (great suffering indeed haha) I didn’t even have the urge to start panicking. No wailing and moaning escaped my lips, as a matter of fact I sort of started laughing at how surprised I was that we were stuck. There didn’t seem to be a way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish and I was so cemented in my faith I was shocked at the wall in front of me.

Now the continuation of the story, and the details of the people God used and the miracles that ensued are so amazing and wonderous. Many people made many decisions along the way to help me, to help us, my sister and her almost husband, her mother in law, our aunt Patty, my best friend Cynthia and my very good friend Marissa, my friend Sadi, Matt my ex husband, all helped with such eager hearts and  seemingly without hesitation.  They smiled as each issue came up and gladly put their hands out to help me. This in itself was a miracle.

So here we sit, somewhere around 37000 feet in the air, and the seatbelt light keeps coming on. Sydney and I however, are already wearing ours.

Hebrews 11:33

If I had told you then......

 Once upon a time all I wanted was to get home to my kids. I was lost so far from them and I didn't know how to get back.  I had begged and plead with family members to take me in, I was lost. I answered an ad for a research study. I was to wear a cast on my leg and I would get paid. When the researcher came to put the cast on and heard my story he made me a deal. Wear the cast for 7 weeks, I will pay you half the money up front and you move back to your kids.  I cried. I was so incredibly happy. That night a friend invited me on a Scooter ride to see the sunset. Thinking only of adventure as I usually am, I happily climbed on, with not one but two casts on. Things went ok until we were almost back, I leaned to talk and as we took off at the green light my toe dragged across the asphalt.

Ive rarely felt pain that bad. "Is my toe still there??" I yelled...too scared to look. It was, but it there was a huge chunk missing.

There had been only one rule when it came to the casts. Don't get hurt.

Steve, my researcher, came to check on me the next day.  I had done my best to clean up the injury, never the less it was obvious. He looked down in dismay,  shoulders and face visibly dropping in disappointment. "I'm  going to have to take it off or your toe won't heal. " My heart has never sunk so quickly in all my 37 years.

The next day Steve came back. He asked me a question: "If I had told you that if you went on that Scooter you may not get home to your kids would you have gone?"

"No way" i managed to say, in my memory it was only a whispe. Gulping back tears. "That's called Self discipline". Steve said.

See it's not hard to make those life changing decisions after the fact. Would my father have committed the crime that cost him 8 years of freedom? No way.

He ended up putting a new cast on and i am now "home" with my kids. But it got me thinking. We don't always know that a moment or a decision or a whim is pivotal until it's too late. Or even worse, We don't learn our lesson the first time and repeat the same mistake again!

I thought Self discipline was being able to quick smoking cigarettes, get up and go to work, but the "ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite the temptation to abandon it"? This is profound people! I now knew what Self discipline was and I had to have it! It's not an easy thing, even for me, and I pride myself on my strength through adversity and willingness to learn. But I'm trying. Just a little more thinking things through and a little more prioritizing. No need to predict the future just a quick potential gains vs losses and a deep breathe, a little patience, and tenacity.

Now to share my new found way of life with the world, without seeming preachy.

Let me ask you this though; if I had told you then.....  ?

self-dis·ci·pline

ˈˌself ˈdisiplin/

noun

1. the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   synonyms:

   self-control;  restraint, self-restraint, self-command; willpower, purposefulness,strong-mindedness, resolve,moral fiber;  doggedness,persistence, determination, grit

I take compliments well....

Proverbs 27:21 The crucible for silver the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives.

I have always been a pretty mixed up kid. Perhaps it was my non exposure to healthy coping mechanisms, my lack of parental guidance in showing my emotions, or maybe its just in my nature. I was often told I was pretty, Id say "no I'm not!" (That's what you're supposed to say when someone gives you a compliment right?). At some point in my growth of emotional intelligence I realized that deflecting a compliment was seen as attention seeking. It was saying "give me more compliments so I will feel good". I strive to not be attention seeking. I know, that may be hard to believe when you see some of the choices I've made in my life, it is, however, true. So I changed my response to praise. When someone told me I was pretty I started saying "Thank you". This newly found skill was absolutely amazing. I love how a person's face lights up as I actually turn, look at them, smile, and acknowledge the compliment. 

There are times in life this isn't easy, I have had moments when I was barely hanging on by a thread, usually in a social situation, or when I was fighting with someone, a friend would show up and try to comfort me. With a sense of panic I would whisper. "don't be nice to me I cant handle it". 

Even now as an adult I constantly question myself. How am I supposed to react? How do I show my humbleness and still accept a compliment with poise? How do I show my appreciation, and that I'm listening, even if I don't agree with someone's compliments? One of my worst fears is that I am manipulating people into seeing me as something I'm not. I want to be real, I want people to know I am real. I want to show I'm listening, and that I validate other's realness. 

Thank you. Still the best response I can find. 

I dont know what to do, I dont know where to go.

My grandmother's voice drowns out all hope of hearing the voice of God. This may seem silly.

Have you ever walked in to a room and forgotten what you came for? The moment of bewilderment causes panic in me. Was it important? I look around helplessly trying to find something to remind me of what I came for. Can you imagine feeling like that constantly? You go to the bathroom, and can't remember you needed to pee. Or how to pee. Or why your bladder is hurting. This is how I imagine life is for grandma. So I don't get frustrated with her for the words. "I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go." My grandpa gets upset. He wants to help her. He tries everything, kissing, hugging, giving her something to do, comforting her.

When Grandpa leaves its worse. I pretty much have to stay with her, holding her hand,reminding her where grandpa went. This morning was like every other time.I was in my room reading my Bible when grandpa announced he'd be right back. I quickly moved myself out to the couch. I sat and tried to do my devotional, praying reading proverbs.

Within minutes my eyes slowly rose from the page as if of their own free will, my face cemented toward my Bible, my grandma's words..."I don't know what to do I don't know where to go."

 "Try not to worry grandma" I said, in my sweetest sing-song voice (grandma doesn't like being told what to do)."I'm right here for you, I wont leave you alone. Grandpa will be right back."

"OK," she says "thank you for telling me" ...her face lighting up,  I love her smile. I look down at the page and start reading again.... not one verse goes by, "I don't know what to do I don't know where to go."

Deep breath. I look on my phone for a Pandora station of southern gospel she might like. "do you like the music grandma? They are playing your favorite song" as The Oakridge Boys play Amazing Grace. Her face lights up again and she says "oh yes".

Go back to reading

"I don't know what to do I don't know where to go"

Oh boy.

Lord. I get it. I am so silly. and you are so patient, Please Lord help me to be at peace. Help me to stop my worry from drowning out your voice. Haven't I learned by now? 38 years old? When I walk into that room in life and forget what I came for... Please strengthen my resolve to be at peace. When I start to panic, let the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be just wash over me and extinguish the panic. You are so amazing, Lord.

When family members try and give me praise for my patience with grandma, and my tenacity, let them see your grace Lord, not mine.