Charlie

 The irony of the title of this blog post is that anyone who knows me will think I am writing a blog post about my now ex-boyfriend Charlie Parker AKA Charlie Brown... And yes, that may be coming soon once I figure out what life lesson I'm supposed to have learned from falling in love with that man. 

However, this post is about Charlie Kirk. And everyone is talking about Charlie Kirk. 

But what a lot of people don't seem to be noticing... (And it's one of those things where I don't want to say anything because I don't want anyone to stop)....Is ...

Let's just say for a minute that we can assume that Charlie Kirk's assassination was not only to shut him up, not only to prove that Charlie Kirk's freedom of speech could be taken away, but also to remind all of us that any and all of our Rights to freedom of speech could be taken away. That's probably what happened, but what if that was the intention along with the intention of further dividing this country? If that's even possible? 

What if the shooter didn't know what we know as believers.. what if the shooter didn't know what Charlie knew?

Romans 8:28 and we know in all things God does for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.

So on the one hand we have this indescribably despicable abomination of a violent act. Most of us can't even fathom how this could happen. But when we return to scripture... What if this wakes us up, reminds us of our right of freedom of speech? What if it makes us louder? What if the effect of the gunning down of one of the most influential voices in two decades? If not, a century is actually the opposite of the intended effect? What if...( this is the part where I don't want to jinx it) this actually UNITES us as a country once again? A Friend of mine recently told me that his grandmother recently told him that it's like everyone is just sleeping and waiting for the end times. To be honest, that was a chilling statement to me. I certainly hope not. I don't believe that that's what's supposed to happen. I believe we're never supposed to sleep and wait. We're supposed to go out fighting.. 

Now I've been listening to Charlie Kirk for I don't know close to 2 years now. I believe on YouTube on reels on Facebook, somehow the algorithm put him in my view a lot or in the other Charlie's view which in turn became my view.. but the one thing I don't hear people talking about is that although Charlie Kirk was a right-wing conservative Republican, a very very strong one, he definitely had his own viewpoints on politics on the world on societal issues.. he actually disagreed with many viewpoints that traditional conservative Republicans have been recently taking.  

I listened to a podcast titled " we are now a banana Republic" on the Charlie Kirk show. The subject of this podcast was us labeling our president as a convicted felon. The idea of the banana Republic is, I believe, the people of a nation making a joke of their leader. Now obviously most Trump supporters would agree with Charlie. That it doesn't do the nation. Any good make a joke of our leader. The thing that Charlie was (in very typical Charlie fashion)  controversially speaking out of against his own party was that the Republicans are not doing anything about the Democrats being so out of control. It was like there's a bully right? And the bully supporters are just egging him on and the people that are against the bully of course are not egging him on and that's good enough for them. They're not getting in the midst of it. They're not defending whoever is being bullied. I recommend listening to the podcast because there are better direct quotes that Charlie gives certain Republican representatives. Representatives of the Republic party are saying well... If we have evidence that the Democrats are breaking the law... Then we will handle it. They're not taking down the bully. Charlie Kirk using his absolutely stunning "voice" to the public and in a very non-hateful way challenging viewpoints show his own viewpoint fighting against the bully... he was saying if you don't take a stand against the bully, you may as well support the bully..... And even against the very foundation of the of the conservative political standpoint, he wanted to do something to change things, to put an end to the bullshit, and maybe, not that I would ever have chosen it to be this way....But maybe... the way few and I say few but I don't know how many there are. But the way the few leftist Democrat liberal assholes are being so offensive and having the gaul to make fun of Charlie Kirk's death... It's actually, not only making the vast majority of liberal Democrats wake up and realize that this is not okay, that our world and how things are being handled is not okay that our country needs change. Not only that, but it's also making the right wing conservatives stand up and unite with the opposing party against the bully...

I have recently been talking a lot with people, especially older than me, about whether or not the amount of deaths in my life accelerating at such a high rate, is because of getting older or is it something else? Is there something else different in the world that's causing more death in my own life? Everyone I know is is being sort of a little bit desensitized to death because it feels to everyone I know is dealing with an unreal amount of death.  Even my kids are experiencing it. And anyway, this doesn't feel like just another death. Not that Charlie was any more special than my two very good friends, my grandmother grandfather and on and on it goes, in  at the risk of being completely misunderstood, is actually feels like a  catalyst. This death feels explosive.  this feels like change in a good way. Like finally, something's going to happen. We're not just going to sit by and let them do this to us. To be honest, I don't give a crap who killed him. I am devastated that we have lost an amazing person that could definitely have been president. Probably would have been president. But at the same time has to give those of us who are believers some comfort in knowing that actually... his death... might be more powerful..than his life. And if it had happened any other way, If it had been a heart attack or if it had been a car crash or if the acme anvil had come out of the sky and falling on his head it wouldn't have ever done anything like this. I just ask that you watch, watch and see if you see what I'm seeing. Thank our Lord and savior that he can make good out of any bad situation for those that love and are called according to his purpose. As we know Charlie Kirk was certainly, called according to His purpose.

I forgot to say one other thing. At a time when the youngest of generation x were new to adulthood, a time when I would venture to say change was upon us in a more accelerated way then possibly in all of American history, both the Internet and the cellphone were just really making it to the general public, that was another time period we needed a wakeup call, and boy did we get one. It was one day shy of 24 years ago.... Say what you will about what actually happened, it served to do one very good and positive thing... It united us as a country. And for that most of us will be forever grateful.

Listening to the wind

 I sit... Struggling to find it... Peace I suppose. Peace amidst the absolute mess I've made of my life. Feels like a huge series or bad decisions bad company and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

"You're always exactly where you're supposed to be" I used to tell Sydney and Maddy when we were late for a dance or late for school or late for softball practice. 

I suppose peace is a faith issue. In other words if I would just have faith that God is going to put me exactly where I'm supposed to be then I would be at peace with my circumstances. What about God helps those who help themselves? Just kidding I know that's not in the Bible. But I'm faced every moment of every day with making decisions and doubting myself..... After all look at where my decision making has landed me. It's all part of God's plan I know ... Romans 8:28 ...I know..... I look back even at my blog entries and I had it all figured out. But somehow I lost it. Most likely due to another bad decision. I've lost faith I know ... I felt like God let me down. I know thats a very bad thing to say but it's the truth. I never lost faith in the existence of my Lord and Savior. Nor in His saving me. I lost faith in what I believed were His promises to me. Then again that's was obviously me that was wrong. I've lost faith in myself. Completely. I have no direction. Im trying I'm in the same town as my youngest kids... To be closer to them. To see them to be part of their lives but I just. Can't. Seem. To pull it together. I can blame everyone else but what good does that do. I'm sure I just need to learn whatever lesson God is trying to teach me. But of I'm searching I'm not at peace and if I'm not at peace I'm not showing faith. Lord please show me which direction to go next. I've been wandering in the desert for so long I don't know who I am anymore. Thank you Lord for always providing always being what I need and thank you for my salvation. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. 

1Samuel 12:16 Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!

So here I sit... Listening to the wind. 

Nov 2016

 I would just like to formally apologize to the many many friends and family I pushed away in my attempt to make my marriage work. I played victim for a long time and my children, my friends, and many other family members suffered for it. I tried to convince myself it wasnt my fault and how could anyone get upset when I was trying to do the right thing?  I really wanted to keep my vows this time...in sickness and in health. I was wrong about it not being my fault. I owed it to my kids to actually stand up for myself and they suffered for it. My family couldn't stand to see the pain I was in and I watched them drop out of my life one by one. My friends were a shoulder to cry on over and over and I chose to keep the cycle going.  I wont do it again.  Sarah Dylan Brad Sydney keenen and Kevin I will never make you sit by and watch your mom live her life in pain again. I will choose to stand up for myself. ...for you.  Please forgive me.  To my family, Janice Tate Debbie Bissmeyer Ronald Betty Tucek and more who arent speaking to me yet please forgive me for causing so much pain that you were basically forced turn your back on me. I get it now really I do.  To my friends especially Cynthia and Justin I'm sorry you had to listen to me and see me hurt over and over and over. Thank you.  And for those that endured, stepping up to take care of me or my kids because of my selfishness Kaye Potter Cloey Kristine Norg Matt Hull Donna Ledbetter Mike Dustin Francis T Jones Quila Clay and i know there are more...thank you. I will pay you back someday. I am choosing a life now full of peace, prayer, happiness,  love, and staying true to myself.

May 2021

 I think the worst and best thing about me is that I fall in love with everyone. When I haven’t seen you in 10 years and I ask about your dog or your great auntie by name you will understand. I have been told I buy the best gifts because I think about all of you all the time. I do my absolute best to hold on to a good relationship with Sarah Justin Dylan Catie Jeremiah  Brad Sydney Maddy  keenen jr and Kevin. But the truth is every single one of those relationships is complicated and fragile. This doesn’t even begin to mention the people

I find most dear in my life like my sisters Cloey and Taylor, my May as well be sisters Lisa and Cynthia. Plus their kids. My dad John, and the list could go on and on. My nana Janice my wish she was still mom in law Charlene and of course her other half. Many people call and text and send smoke signals 20 times a day. They get upset with me when I don’t answer or can’t seem to make the time to pay attention to them even for a second. I’m spread too thin guys. Between trying to be a good mom and work and be a good friend and keep my life on track and by god stay clean... I don’t want anyone to think they aren’t important to me. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and realize I didn’t call 12 people back - 3 of them are my kids. I havent seen my “bestie” Sydney since the dawn of time. Havent seen the little boys in even longer. I love you all so much please please don’t give up on me.

Home

 Home…. Is that moment when I found out I was having a baby… and my child’s father was happy. 

Home is the church we got married in filled with all of our loved ones 

Home is looking at someone and seeing your entire future in their smile

Home is poker nights at the Hulls 

Home is “God Bless you and keep you this day today and always” from a woman I always wished was my mom. 

Home is waking to fresh coffee in the morning 

Home is my kids arms around my neck when they are tiny and across my shoulders when they were grown 

Home is “I believe in you sunshine” 

Home is “go like this….. you’re a liar and a fat mouth 😂

Home is finally getting that Tranny put back in and driving to Michigan 

Home is watching the sunrise… in yosemite or Santa Barbara or Vegas or cheapskate hill… with maxx

Home is the air being cranked way too low and a long nap in the lap of my Beeb. 

Home is Gilmore girls on repeat because every… last… scene is you and I 

Home is a pressure washer being your most prized possession

Home is 4 miles 

Home is the joy and torment of raising this creature with blonde hair and blue eyes and the voice of an angel

Home is pop rock Oreos 

Home is “stop the carrrrr” 

Home is not having to cry every day because I miss them 

I want to go home

Manipulation

 “All people do all day is try an manipulate each other!” “You’re the most Manipulative person I know” “I see your manipulation, and I don’t like it”. 

The origin of the word manipulate comes from the root Latin and later French word “manipulus” which means “handful”. 

2a: to manage or utilize skillfullyquantify our data and manipulate it statistically— S. L. Payne

b: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantagebeing used and manipulated by the knowing men around him— New Republic

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose : DOCTORsuspected that the police reports were manipulated— Evelyn G. Cruickshanks

Even the more negative definitions use the word artful, or skillful, not necessarily underhanded. 

As humans we have been granted free will. This is why it can be said that everyone only does what they want. Even if it may not seem like it, no one can force anyone else to do anything. There are thousands of factors that are going to help determine what we want. There are hundreds of thousands of opportunities to change someone’s determination of what they want. 

When humans are in the toddler stage, the manipulation begins. Parents and caregivers use dozens of various forms of discipline, reward systems, and reactions to communicate how it is we want the toddler to perform. This by its very nature is a form of manipulation. Our purpose, as parents is, at least we believe, not only for the good of the child but an absolute necessity for survival. Eat your vegetables and you will get a treat. Vegetables equal good health, vital nutrients for life, and getting our children to eat them is absolutely necessary. “Getting our children to…” 

As we get older the manipulation becomes reciprocal. Child believes she wants a new toy (by the way who manipulated her into wanting it?) so she acts in a way to change or manipulate her parents to buy her this toy. She may start by using her best manners, doing her schoolwork, keeping her room tidy. If this form of manipulation is successful she is given what she wanted and will either a: stop manipulating until she wants something else or b: continue the behavior knowing there is something else she will want eventually. 

If the manipulation tactics are not successful however, she will most likely turn to other forms of manipulation. She may beg, she may cry, she may even act out in defiance depending on the history of the parents reaction to this. In some cases parents, either because of sheer lack of resources ie: time, energy, or patience will respond to these forms of manipulation by giving the child what she wants! The resulting chaos of having given in to such obviously inappropriate attempts at manipulation are profound. Children are human after all although sometimes we doubt this. It’s almost as black and white as a math equation. Child will continue in whichever behavior gets her what she wants. 

I’ve heard many parents say “my child only behaves in the way I want them to when they want something. “Well… Doesn’t everyone only behave in the way everyone else wants them to when they want something? 

Bare with me here. Is the actual problem, when someone is upset or feels as though they are being manipulated, that the performance isn’t up to par? Maybe when people complain about their kids acting a certain way it’s because the kids are not quite manipulating in the right way. I know most people don’t want to accept the fact that their kids are manipulating them. But in reality what parents want is for their kids to do a better job of it. 

Even if what you want is quite basically for other people to stay in your life or to be around someone else or for someone else to pay attention to you, we as humans are constantly looking for the way in which we need to act or manipulate others in order to get what we want from them.

So the questions, in every relationship, we are essentially asking each other are: 

what is it you want from me and what are you willing to do to get it? 

what do I need to do for you or how do I need to behave to get what I want ? 

are you willing to do what I want you to do or behave the way I want you to behave in order to keep me around? 

How must I behave in order to get you to stay?  

So where pray tell does Love fall in all of this? Why do we love who we love? Do you actually love me or or you just telling me you do in order to get what you want. This is where people get confused. My kids are human, and I am human, therefore I try and teach them The way in which I want them to perform in order to get what they want from me. The very very core part of this that’s not manipulation is that sometimes the reason they want to look to me to provide what they want is because they love me. Most kids has many people in their life who can provide what they want for me it is a privilege when they choose me to be the sad provider. Number one because it shows they know I’m capable, number two it shows in general that they understand me and that they know I understand them and number three I’m happy to provide what they want because I usually get happiness out of whatever performance I’m expecting.  I don’t gain happiness from watching other people’s kids become good drivers, I am happy when my own kids are good drivers. My kids want to drive, therefore they choose to show me they are good drivers, this makes me happy, so I give them what they want to be able to drive.

I’ve recently noticed that it’s becoming more obvious to me as an adult what each adult and my life is hoping to get from me. Some of them want me attention some want my help some just want someone to talk to or someone they can trust. A lot of people appreciate my problem solving skills and advice and that is such a compliment to me. Some people genuinely like my company. They like how they feel when they are around me. It’s really only when I cannot figure out what someone wants that I begin to panic. The rejected by her parents little girl comes out and goes into fight or flight mode. Because I am so intently self aware, at least I believe I am, it’s way more productive to be up front in communicating what it is you want from me right at the start. I will tell you exactly the forms of manipulation work best for me 😉

Flying...

 I wrote this a while back... 

So... on the subject of flying... as you all know I'm a mermaid. We swim. However I'm considering a career change to a monkey? In the meantime I'm a bird. Airlines have got to be the most unproductive behind the times business ive seen. I arrive at fresno air terminal 2 hours ahead. Since I'm a rule follower these days. At approximately half an hour before my flight to Phoenix is scheduled to board we are told that Phoenix has grounded us. Ordering us to wait to board until 430. We are scheduled to leave at 4. This puts us 1 hour past schedule. I have 45 minutes in Phoenix between the time my plane lands and the next flight is scheduled to begin boarding. This means basically when I get off the plane i will have less than 5 minutes to get to my next flight before the door closes. As you may realize I am currently disabled. The pilot is standing there at the gate and he and I banter back and forth about knowing doc brown haha. Then he proceeds to tell me this has been going on with Phoenix for months. What I witness next is a scene out of a movie as 35 people from my flight headed to various parts of the country come to the gate to ask how much time they will have to make it to the next flight. A woman starts crying because she will miss the birth of her grandchild,  a lawyer starts to panic about not making a trial. I am mildly annoyed but # 1 I run on the power of positive thinking and im already picturing myself making it onto my connecting flight #2 my boss has a track record of sending "angels" to help me and #3 its just not that serious. So the flight leaves over an hour late, no one has any idea if they are going to make it (btw im just using logic but would american airlines rather pay for 35 plus hotel rooms or have one plane wait 10 minutes?) Anyway. The people on my flight happen to be absolutely cool and helping each other out, letting those of us who need to make a flight first leave, yelling out which gate to go to it was so cool.) I exit the plane, my chair is there with the sweetest young Jamaican guy and I calmly asked him if he had any experience with with NASCAR or driving in LA. Blank blink....?? "I have to make it to b28 before they shut the door and I dont know if it's already shut so im gonna need you to push quick :-)" he says ok. Hes weaving in and out around toddlers and old people- impressed even me and I worked at dennys! Suddenly he comes up behind an impasse...3pilots, walking at a semi slow pace, side by side.. "geeezuuuus" I hear my Jamaican nascar driver mutter under his breathe and before I even think about it I hear this very loud, but pleasant, and assertive sing song voice come out of my very own mouth "single file please gentlemen!" And like a dance they glance at me, and move single file and we zoom to the gate. As we get to the gate I recognize my new lawyer friend who is headed to Milwaukee.  I hear him saying to the obviously frazzled gate attendant "johnson is here too! Dont leave without her!" Ha! The attendant yells out "gimme your boarding passes and just sitting down wherever!" I hand my driver a tip tell him he is fantastic,  look at the flight attendant and refuse my crutches "shes gonna hop! " ...and now I arrive in Phoenix in time. I think I will stick to swimming and climbing for a while after this trip.I 

The one who got away (from a few years ago).

 Very recently I talked to a person you could consider "the one who got away". I turned him down in hs. He was sweet to me, so cute, and the connection was there. My life would have been VERY different if I had said yes. His life would have been different. I do not live my life with regret. I can think of very few times when I’ve layed my head in my hands and really ached about my decision making. I haven’t had an easy life. Some might say I can only blame myself. I picked men not based on compatibility but on what I believed was chemistry but really it was probably me looking for validation. Not that said “one who got away” wasnt validating me-he was, but maybe because he wasnt broken, didnt NEED me, he knew his own self worth instead of feeling hopeless like SOME of my other love selections, I was scared to let him in. Ladies; don't be like Jenn. Find a man who knows and respects himself,  knows his own worth along with seeing yours. Dont fall into the “oh but I need to save someone “ trap. You dont need to save anyone and they dont need to save you. That's not something healthy to base a relationship or especially a marriage on. Pick someone your dad would pick for you. Pick the person who’s nice to your mom, and carries her bags ALL the way to the train door, ( Justin Gereg ) Pick someone who matches your drive, your moral compass, and your loyal nature. Pick someone who keeps you on your toes and inspires you to be your best you.

Papa revised

 I wrote this a few years ago but revised it. 

After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep And most likely had fallen asleep at the wheel. 

My grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. At times papa had a desk job for the union i believe. He would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now, as an adult, I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop everything to answer his phone and talk to me, between 7 and 10 years old, I would ramble on about who knows what,  and I’d say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". 

When I was 15 I got suspended from school. He was in the area and he came to visit. He walks into my room, looks at me with this amused gleam in his eye, pulls 50 bucks from his pocket.  "heres some mad money since your mom’s mad at you"  and winks at me and leaves.

To this day I parent my kids with him in mind. His laugh, his generosity, his work ethic, all passed down from him to me and carried on down. The way Sarah works so hard, Sydneys sense of generosity, Bradley’s ability to see right through people’s BS, even the blue eyes, all from him. 

I was 16 when I left my mom’s  house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call it was 8am and I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" ... 

I said “well what hospital is he in?” and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, in the house he built with his own two hands, the riding  lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the Ford escort he had planned on making into my first car, (including a roll cage and harness😂)  still out by the creek. Thousands of projects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about   3:17 am. 

Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. He’s the first man she ever loved, and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  My daughters I’m sure could tell you that’s true but I hadn’t ever been able to relate to that honestly. Then I was reading about people who lose a parent early in life. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad, someone most likely would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents. For all intents and purposes, in my little girl full of sunshine heart, HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle (although I am forever grateful for my step dad Brad Morrow, for taking that job and for being the best step dad almost like a real dad ever) and to take my boys fishin. Hell, he should have been there to see Sarah walk down the aisle. He was a marine once and oh would he have loved Justin. 

 They say “the death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. “ Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

I realize no one can understand what im going through, but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I can’t  stand being alone, am constantly looking for validation from men in my life,  am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... “life is the future not the past” but it’s good to get an idea, of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said “71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day”. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa. I think of him every single day. It never gets easier. All I can hope is that I love and love in a way that I honor his memory, and that I learn from his lessons. Cherish your parents. Please. Someday you will wish you had. 

Limited Resilience

 This is what I sent my friend about why I’m overwhelmed at the task of summarizing my case to a new lawyer: 

Thank you Jeff. Time is running out for my case though and I am still feeling lost. How do I inspire someone to want to expose the corrupt court systems if they aren’t already motivated to do so? Marc knew he could make a difference. He saw an open window in a sea of doors locked tight. He knew his way to change things was first and foremost through the appellate court. Exposing crooked judges to their peers, other judges, the only people who could stop them. He wanted to make a difference and I’m not even sure why. He wasn’t doing it for the notoriety, we see that in the way he didn’t even stop to come up for air long enough to listen to praise. He didn’t do it for money. He was handling Jerry cox case pro bono and mine for very little. He literally just wanted to do it because it was right. But who in this day and age isn’t only out for themselves? To be honest I’m highly motivated to become a civil rights attorney myself, at the very least an appellate court lawyer to continue the fight Marc was fighting, and winning, God help me before the momentum has been squashed by the horrible travesty of his death. I won’t stop talking about him. Ever. But if I don’t get my boys back from their abusive father who is well on his way to killing someone and his mother who blames everyone else for his abusive ways, if I can’t put my family back together I honestly don’t know if I will have the strength nor the confidence in myself to put one foot in front of the other. Resilience? Maybe. But I AM human and all resilience has limitations. 

Something always happens when your mom is around

I wrote this and posted on Facebook a couple of years ago want to transfer it to my blog

In may when we managed to flip Sarahs car and almost drown in the river in one weekend. ..I heard through the grapevine that a comment was made "something always happens when your mom is around". It was said with disapproval by some on who really cares for them. I laughed at the time. ... But it bothered me and I didn't know why.  It's not easy to be the absent parent believe me.  I don't want to be that anymore.  But one thing is for sure. .. when I'm around there's always an adventure.  I told Dylan on Sunday I would take him on a date.  Well I got a late start and it was pouring out and I was exausted. Not looking forward to driving to mariposa then back to fresno then back to mariposa and finally to ahwahnee. But I just couldn't tell him no. We had the best time.  I bonded wIth son and we talked about everything under the sun.  Something bad could have happened.  He would have been much safer at home playing video games. Is that really what parenting is about?  I can't give my kids much but oh do they have some stories to tell. And they are better prepared for life.  People are constantly telling me they can't believe I'm doing such and such.  Well why not?  I can't believe you are sitting in your house AGAIN when there are so many things you could be doing with your kids! !! Just look at them- they are safe.  But how will they appreciate safety if you never save them from drowning? ! Oh but you have so many nice things in your home.  I like telling stories better.  Brad do you remember when we slid on the ice in the suburban and Sydney said "......"

Done.

I can’t open my Bible. I’m so discouraged and disheartened and pissed off at God I’m not even sure where to go from here. I know I heard you. And obeyed. Even to the point of losing my relationship with my daughter in order to follow what you were asking me to do. How could you let this happen? I’m lucky to be alive. I get to spend more time with my children, they get more time with me. But for what? So they can see their mom in pain? I’m just so over it. You are not a comfort or my lifeline today God. I don’t even want to try and understand. #thywillbedone #done

Mom

Mom

On this, the evening of the anniversary of my second failed marriage, as I sat alone in my kitchen, hoping my husband would have mercy enough to come see me, I am listening to a podcast by life church called “bad advice”. Tonight’s podcast specifically was about “how to commit adultery”. This pastor, Craig Groeschel, is really good. Anyway it’s tongue in cheek and supposed to be funny. #1. Neglect your marriage #2 enjoy common interests with and emotionally bond with someone other than your spouse. 

Interesting. I didn’t do either of those things when Matt and I were married. 

#3 make excuses and rationalize your bad choices, blame your spouse. Well there may have been a little of that. Especially when he was arrested. But i honestly don’t believe that lead to my affair. 

So Craig goes into what sexual sin is and why it’s so bad and this is all very enlightening, and he starts listing off the things to do to prevent yourself from straying. 

Keep a growing relationship with Christ, Never be alone with the wrong people, Never talk bad about your spouse, surround yourselves with strong marriages, avoid all inappropriate places and situations, invest passionately in your marriage, be intoxicated by each other, and last..... visualize the potential destruction. Aha. That last one. Yah, I didn’t do that one. 

If I had visualized even a small portion of the destruction that came of my choice to commit adultery... the way I would break the hearts of Matt’s parents, his brothers, their wives and kids, people I would never have wanted to hurt, I would never ever have allowed myself to go down that path. 

More importantly if I had truly known the devastation I was bringing to Sarah, Dylan, Bradley, and Sydney, I would have stopped dead in my tracks. 

I have ALWAYS known how to be a good mom. I knew what I needed and never had growing up. I knew how to be tender and nurturing and how to value my kids as humans. How to be present and available and uphold moral values like kindness and generosity. I knew how and so wanted to be selfless when it came to my kids. I knew how to stand up for them, teach them. I knew how to have fun and bond with them so they would feel secure. I knew how to model an amazing marriage, one that was a picture of Gods love for us. So that they would never settle for anything less than a beautiful God-filled marriage. I knew how to teach my kids to question everything, have a thirst for knowledge, challenge things or people they knew were wrong, be honest, and trustworthy. I knew how to say no, and stand by it. But I Also knew how to be soft and change my mind. 

Because of the sin that I committed, I deprived my kids of all of those things, and deprived myself of the joy of giving it to them. My kids are grown, or are growing up, without those teachable moments I could have taken, they are completely different people then they would have been if they had had me. They have learned not to trust people and now, they are choosing to remove themselves more and more from my life. One very very bad choice effected so many lives and after over 7 years I’m still just grasping, trying to get my feet to stand on solid ground long enough to try and salvage any relationship at all with my children, the very last people on this planet I ever wanted to hurt. I’m so sorry. 

Papa

I wrote this a couple of years ago, today has been 22 years since he's been gone.

After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  why why why do I interact with people the way I do I have some thoughts. 20 years ago Bruce Swisher, my papa, or maternal grandfather passed away. His truck went off the road at 3 am a few miles away from home. He had been driving home from work - he, like my mom, stepdad, uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep for whatever reason and had either fallen asleep or who really knows? Now my grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. Sometimes papa had a desk job for a while,  maybe for the union?  And he would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now as an adult I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop and listen to me, at 7 or 10 years old?  ramble on about who knows what and id say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". I got in trouble. In high school and he came to visit. He sneaks into my room with 50 bucks "heres some mad money since your moms mad at you" lol. I was 16 when I left my moms house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" I said well what hospital is he in and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, the lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the car he had planned on building in to a racecar for me still out by the creek. Thousands of progects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about 3 am. Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. Hes the first man she ever loved and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  Well I never related to that honestly. Then I was reading about children who lose a parent. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad see they probably would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents but for all intents and purposes in my little girl full of sunshine heart HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle and to take my boys fishin. They say death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. " Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

I realize no one can understand what im going through but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I cant stand being alone am always looking for validation from men in my life am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... life is the future not the past but its good to get an idea of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said 71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa.

Boundaries

Proverbs 23:10 says "do not move an ancient boundary stone or encroach on the fields of the fatherless". While I was reading this, I discovered several other times in the Bible when it mentions these boundary Stones. What is a boundary Stone? I mean obviously I know it's a stone set to Mark a boundary but I wondered as I was reading why this was important. Why is it so important that we don't move them and what does it mean to encroach on the fields of the fatherless? As I start to study of look up some commentaries and one of them mentions Proverbs 15:25 the Lord tears down the proud man's house but he keeps the Widow's boundaries intact well I started thinking to myself; maybe he's not speaking about physical boundaries Matthew Poole's commentary specifically says Do not enrich thyself with the injury of other men; do not invade the rights of others.  Do not enrich thyself with the injury of other men.... don't make yourself better, by hurting someone else. I find it so interesting, that thought process. Isn't that exactly what we are doing though? In the early 90s when psychologists started talking about boundaries, emotionally, they were speaking about limits. Lines that should never be crossed. When we hurt others, in order to further ourselves, that's essentially what we are doing. 

I'm good at unconditional love. Plain and simple. It's not hard for me to love someone regardless of their tendency to hurt me, deceive me, use me. Regardless of the bad decisions they make in life, regardless of the way they think even if we think differently. I can honestly say I've been able to overlook things most people would never ever forgive, because I love. I cannot not love people. 

I used to think that meant I couldn't do anything about it when other people did things that so surpassed boundaries you would have thought the word itself never existed. I thought if I put a stop to this abuse I wasn't loving unconditionally. I was wrong. 

I am asked frequently for advice in raising kids. When it comes to a spoiled child my response is this; kids like rules. They like boundaries. When you give a child hard and fast consequences for their bad decisions it makes them feel secure. Subconsciously it tells them that when the boogie man tries to take them away he would have to stand up to you! The mom who absolutely refused to back down. What easier way do you have to earn respect then to stand by your word as a parent? 

Adults aren't much different. When I say to a friend "this hurts. This is why. And I love you. I want you to know I will always love you. If this continues I cannot have you in my life anymore" it teaches them respect for you and WILL bring you closer. When you allow bad behaviour to continue to effect your life in a negative way it teaches people you think so little of yourself, they may as well think little of you. 

I am slowly learning how to pinpoint exactly what my boundaries are. I know I have them. I know they get crossed constantly. But I know how much happier my relationships will be when I learn to draw them out and stand true. 

Days like today

It's days like today that make people lose their mind.
that make people give up.
it's days like today where we find out what we're made of.
it's days like today where I don't make a big deal and you don't make a big deal
its days like today where I choose my words so carefully and then I'm told to choose my words carefully
it's days like today where I'm left at 1:45 a.m. alone trying to get these thoughts out of my head trying to make someone care
it's days like today that leave me shaking

God what else can you take from me God you've given me so much
it's days like today when I'm walking slow close to the edge I can't possibly believe that no one sees I'm about to fall off I'm not strong enough
it's days like today where I put a smile on my face and pretend like everything is alright but I am screaming inside sobbing uncontrollably and I have no idea how to get it out of me
I keep reminding myself peace peace peace and it's only causing war between my head and my heart.

Buckle Up

As I start to write this blog from 37000 feet in the air already the laptop isn’t working, the person in the seat ahead of me won’t sit still, I don’t have my glasses so I can barely see….. definitely helps my story today. Over the past 72 hours, a seemingly perfectly sane, drug free person in my life literally started acting like a crazy person. Suddenly I was without a place to stay, no clothes, no glasses (which I need pretty much constantly), my daughter and traveling buddy got incredibly sick, my dog was taken somewhere and tied up and I was told I had to figure out what to do with her, my credit card was charged 3 times for one ride on uber and then I was locked out of it. Sydney (my daughter) and I have used every mode of transportation known to man except a boat to get where we are going, my sister’s wedding in Paw Paw Michigan.

A pastor of mine once told my ex husband Matt and I that when God is preparing you for something big you buckle your seatbelt and get ready for a bumpy ride. Now I see many people who hit trials and tribulations, if you will, and the moaning and wailing is excruciating to for the rest of us to watch…. “why me?” “If there is a God He must hate me” blah blah blah….. and sometimes problems are not spiritual warfare, sometimes problems; pain and suffering, are a sign that God is trying to bring us back on track, closer to Him and our hearts in the right place. But therein lies the secret. True obedience to God is painless. Righteousness produces fruits of the spirit, in other words, the result of letting God use you doesn’t cause a panic attack, it causes peace. No matter the circumstance. No matter what the enemy throws at you, being right with God causes Joy. It won’t matter who is mean, or rude, or selfish, we will return with Love.

And so, this morning at 530 am, standing outside a filthy motel where my 12-year-old had slept on top of her jacket for fear of laying her head on the bedding, with no way to travel the 5 miles to the airport in time, since my previously mentioned credit card had been frozen, having had no breakfast and no coffee (great suffering indeed haha) I didn’t even have the urge to start panicking. No wailing and moaning escaped my lips, as a matter of fact I sort of started laughing at how surprised I was that we were stuck. There didn’t seem to be a way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish and I was so cemented in my faith I was shocked at the wall in front of me.

Now the continuation of the story, and the details of the people God used and the miracles that ensued are so amazing and wonderous. Many people made many decisions along the way to help me, to help us, my sister and her almost husband, her mother in law, our aunt Patty, my best friend Cynthia and my very good friend Marissa, my friend Sadi, Matt my ex husband, all helped with such eager hearts and  seemingly without hesitation.  They smiled as each issue came up and gladly put their hands out to help me. This in itself was a miracle.

So here we sit, somewhere around 37000 feet in the air, and the seatbelt light keeps coming on. Sydney and I however, are already wearing ours.

Hebrews 11:33

If I had told you then......

 Once upon a time all I wanted was to get home to my kids. I was lost so far from them and I didn't know how to get back.  I had begged and plead with family members to take me in, I was lost. I answered an ad for a research study. I was to wear a cast on my leg and I would get paid. When the researcher came to put the cast on and heard my story he made me a deal. Wear the cast for 7 weeks, I will pay you half the money up front and you move back to your kids.  I cried. I was so incredibly happy. That night a friend invited me on a Scooter ride to see the sunset. Thinking only of adventure as I usually am, I happily climbed on, with not one but two casts on. Things went ok until we were almost back, I leaned to talk and as we took off at the green light my toe dragged across the asphalt.

Ive rarely felt pain that bad. "Is my toe still there??" I yelled...too scared to look. It was, but it there was a huge chunk missing.

There had been only one rule when it came to the casts. Don't get hurt.

Steve, my researcher, came to check on me the next day.  I had done my best to clean up the injury, never the less it was obvious. He looked down in dismay,  shoulders and face visibly dropping in disappointment. "I'm  going to have to take it off or your toe won't heal. " My heart has never sunk so quickly in all my 37 years.

The next day Steve came back. He asked me a question: "If I had told you that if you went on that Scooter you may not get home to your kids would you have gone?"

"No way" i managed to say, in my memory it was only a whispe. Gulping back tears. "That's called Self discipline". Steve said.

See it's not hard to make those life changing decisions after the fact. Would my father have committed the crime that cost him 8 years of freedom? No way.

He ended up putting a new cast on and i am now "home" with my kids. But it got me thinking. We don't always know that a moment or a decision or a whim is pivotal until it's too late. Or even worse, We don't learn our lesson the first time and repeat the same mistake again!

I thought Self discipline was being able to quick smoking cigarettes, get up and go to work, but the "ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite the temptation to abandon it"? This is profound people! I now knew what Self discipline was and I had to have it! It's not an easy thing, even for me, and I pride myself on my strength through adversity and willingness to learn. But I'm trying. Just a little more thinking things through and a little more prioritizing. No need to predict the future just a quick potential gains vs losses and a deep breathe, a little patience, and tenacity.

Now to share my new found way of life with the world, without seeming preachy.

Let me ask you this though; if I had told you then.....  ?

self-dis·ci·pline

ˈˌself ˈdisiplin/

noun

1. the ability to control one's feelings and overcome one's weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

   synonyms:

   self-control;  restraint, self-restraint, self-command; willpower, purposefulness,strong-mindedness, resolve,moral fiber;  doggedness,persistence, determination, grit

I take compliments well....

Proverbs 27:21 The crucible for silver the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives.

I have always been a pretty mixed up kid. Perhaps it was my non exposure to healthy coping mechanisms, my lack of parental guidance in showing my emotions, or maybe its just in my nature. I was often told I was pretty, Id say "no I'm not!" (That's what you're supposed to say when someone gives you a compliment right?). At some point in my growth of emotional intelligence I realized that deflecting a compliment was seen as attention seeking. It was saying "give me more compliments so I will feel good". I strive to not be attention seeking. I know, that may be hard to believe when you see some of the choices I've made in my life, it is, however, true. So I changed my response to praise. When someone told me I was pretty I started saying "Thank you". This newly found skill was absolutely amazing. I love how a person's face lights up as I actually turn, look at them, smile, and acknowledge the compliment. 

There are times in life this isn't easy, I have had moments when I was barely hanging on by a thread, usually in a social situation, or when I was fighting with someone, a friend would show up and try to comfort me. With a sense of panic I would whisper. "don't be nice to me I cant handle it". 

Even now as an adult I constantly question myself. How am I supposed to react? How do I show my humbleness and still accept a compliment with poise? How do I show my appreciation, and that I'm listening, even if I don't agree with someone's compliments? One of my worst fears is that I am manipulating people into seeing me as something I'm not. I want to be real, I want people to know I am real. I want to show I'm listening, and that I validate other's realness. 

Thank you. Still the best response I can find. 

I dont know what to do, I dont know where to go.

My grandmother's voice drowns out all hope of hearing the voice of God. This may seem silly.

Have you ever walked in to a room and forgotten what you came for? The moment of bewilderment causes panic in me. Was it important? I look around helplessly trying to find something to remind me of what I came for. Can you imagine feeling like that constantly? You go to the bathroom, and can't remember you needed to pee. Or how to pee. Or why your bladder is hurting. This is how I imagine life is for grandma. So I don't get frustrated with her for the words. "I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go." My grandpa gets upset. He wants to help her. He tries everything, kissing, hugging, giving her something to do, comforting her.

When Grandpa leaves its worse. I pretty much have to stay with her, holding her hand,reminding her where grandpa went. This morning was like every other time.I was in my room reading my Bible when grandpa announced he'd be right back. I quickly moved myself out to the couch. I sat and tried to do my devotional, praying reading proverbs.

Within minutes my eyes slowly rose from the page as if of their own free will, my face cemented toward my Bible, my grandma's words..."I don't know what to do I don't know where to go."

 "Try not to worry grandma" I said, in my sweetest sing-song voice (grandma doesn't like being told what to do)."I'm right here for you, I wont leave you alone. Grandpa will be right back."

"OK," she says "thank you for telling me" ...her face lighting up,  I love her smile. I look down at the page and start reading again.... not one verse goes by, "I don't know what to do I don't know where to go."

Deep breath. I look on my phone for a Pandora station of southern gospel she might like. "do you like the music grandma? They are playing your favorite song" as The Oakridge Boys play Amazing Grace. Her face lights up again and she says "oh yes".

Go back to reading

"I don't know what to do I don't know where to go"

Oh boy.

Lord. I get it. I am so silly. and you are so patient, Please Lord help me to be at peace. Help me to stop my worry from drowning out your voice. Haven't I learned by now? 38 years old? When I walk into that room in life and forget what I came for... Please strengthen my resolve to be at peace. When I start to panic, let the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be just wash over me and extinguish the panic. You are so amazing, Lord.

When family members try and give me praise for my patience with grandma, and my tenacity, let them see your grace Lord, not mine.