I sit... Struggling to find it... Peace I suppose. Peace amidst the absolute mess I've made of my life. Feels like a huge series or bad decisions bad company and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"You're always exactly where you're supposed to be" I used to tell Sydney and Maddy when we were late for a dance or late for school or late for softball practice.
I suppose peace is a faith issue. In other words if I would just have faith that God is going to put me exactly where I'm supposed to be then I would be at peace with my circumstances. What about God helps those who help themselves? Just kidding I know that's not in the Bible. But I'm faced every moment of every day with making decisions and doubting myself..... After all look at where my decision making has landed me. It's all part of God's plan I know ... Romans 8:28 ...I know..... I look back even at my blog entries and I had it all figured out. But somehow I lost it. Most likely due to another bad decision. I've lost faith I know ... I felt like God let me down. I know thats a very bad thing to say but it's the truth. I never lost faith in the existence of my Lord and Savior. Nor in His saving me. I lost faith in what I believed were His promises to me. Then again that's was obviously me that was wrong. I've lost faith in myself. Completely. I have no direction. Im trying I'm in the same town as my youngest kids... To be closer to them. To see them to be part of their lives but I just. Can't. Seem. To pull it together. I can blame everyone else but what good does that do. I'm sure I just need to learn whatever lesson God is trying to teach me. But of I'm searching I'm not at peace and if I'm not at peace I'm not showing faith. Lord please show me which direction to go next. I've been wandering in the desert for so long I don't know who I am anymore. Thank you Lord for always providing always being what I need and thank you for my salvation. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you.
1Samuel 12:16 Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!
So here I sit... Listening to the wind.
