Listening to the wind

 I sit... Struggling to find it... Peace I suppose. Peace amidst the absolute mess I've made of my life. Feels like a huge series or bad decisions bad company and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

"You're always exactly where you're supposed to be" I used to tell Sydney and Maddy when we were late for a dance or late for school or late for softball practice. 

I suppose peace is a faith issue. In other words if I would just have faith that God is going to put me exactly where I'm supposed to be then I would be at peace with my circumstances. What about God helps those who help themselves? Just kidding I know that's not in the Bible. But I'm faced every moment of every day with making decisions and doubting myself..... After all look at where my decision making has landed me. It's all part of God's plan I know ... Romans 8:28 ...I know..... I look back even at my blog entries and I had it all figured out. But somehow I lost it. Most likely due to another bad decision. I've lost faith I know ... I felt like God let me down. I know thats a very bad thing to say but it's the truth. I never lost faith in the existence of my Lord and Savior. Nor in His saving me. I lost faith in what I believed were His promises to me. Then again that's was obviously me that was wrong. I've lost faith in myself. Completely. I have no direction. Im trying I'm in the same town as my youngest kids... To be closer to them. To see them to be part of their lives but I just. Can't. Seem. To pull it together. I can blame everyone else but what good does that do. I'm sure I just need to learn whatever lesson God is trying to teach me. But of I'm searching I'm not at peace and if I'm not at peace I'm not showing faith. Lord please show me which direction to go next. I've been wandering in the desert for so long I don't know who I am anymore. Thank you Lord for always providing always being what I need and thank you for my salvation. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. 

1Samuel 12:16 Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!

So here I sit... Listening to the wind. 

Nov 2016

 I would just like to formally apologize to the many many friends and family I pushed away in my attempt to make my marriage work. I played victim for a long time and my children, my friends, and many other family members suffered for it. I tried to convince myself it wasnt my fault and how could anyone get upset when I was trying to do the right thing?  I really wanted to keep my vows this time...in sickness and in health. I was wrong about it not being my fault. I owed it to my kids to actually stand up for myself and they suffered for it. My family couldn't stand to see the pain I was in and I watched them drop out of my life one by one. My friends were a shoulder to cry on over and over and I chose to keep the cycle going.  I wont do it again.  Sarah Dylan Brad Sydney keenen and Kevin I will never make you sit by and watch your mom live her life in pain again. I will choose to stand up for myself. ...for you.  Please forgive me.  To my family, Janice Tate Debbie Bissmeyer Ronald Betty Tucek and more who arent speaking to me yet please forgive me for causing so much pain that you were basically forced turn your back on me. I get it now really I do.  To my friends especially Cynthia and Justin I'm sorry you had to listen to me and see me hurt over and over and over. Thank you.  And for those that endured, stepping up to take care of me or my kids because of my selfishness Kaye Potter Cloey Kristine Norg Matt Hull Donna Ledbetter Mike Dustin Francis T Jones Quila Clay and i know there are more...thank you. I will pay you back someday. I am choosing a life now full of peace, prayer, happiness,  love, and staying true to myself.

May 2021

 I think the worst and best thing about me is that I fall in love with everyone. When I haven’t seen you in 10 years and I ask about your dog or your great auntie by name you will understand. I have been told I buy the best gifts because I think about all of you all the time. I do my absolute best to hold on to a good relationship with Sarah Justin Dylan Catie Jeremiah  Brad Sydney Maddy  keenen jr and Kevin. But the truth is every single one of those relationships is complicated and fragile. This doesn’t even begin to mention the people

I find most dear in my life like my sisters Cloey and Taylor, my May as well be sisters Lisa and Cynthia. Plus their kids. My dad John, and the list could go on and on. My nana Janice my wish she was still mom in law Charlene and of course her other half. Many people call and text and send smoke signals 20 times a day. They get upset with me when I don’t answer or can’t seem to make the time to pay attention to them even for a second. I’m spread too thin guys. Between trying to be a good mom and work and be a good friend and keep my life on track and by god stay clean... I don’t want anyone to think they aren’t important to me. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and realize I didn’t call 12 people back - 3 of them are my kids. I havent seen my “bestie” Sydney since the dawn of time. Havent seen the little boys in even longer. I love you all so much please please don’t give up on me.

Home

 Home…. Is that moment when I found out I was having a baby… and my child’s father was happy. 

Home is the church we got married in filled with all of our loved ones 

Home is looking at someone and seeing your entire future in their smile

Home is poker nights at the Hulls 

Home is “God Bless you and keep you this day today and always” from a woman I always wished was my mom. 

Home is waking to fresh coffee in the morning 

Home is my kids arms around my neck when they are tiny and across my shoulders when they were grown 

Home is “I believe in you sunshine” 

Home is “go like this….. you’re a liar and a fat mouth 😂

Home is finally getting that Tranny put back in and driving to Michigan 

Home is watching the sunrise… in yosemite or Santa Barbara or Vegas or cheapskate hill… with maxx

Home is the air being cranked way too low and a long nap in the lap of my Beeb. 

Home is Gilmore girls on repeat because every… last… scene is you and I 

Home is a pressure washer being your most prized possession

Home is 4 miles 

Home is the joy and torment of raising this creature with blonde hair and blue eyes and the voice of an angel

Home is pop rock Oreos 

Home is “stop the carrrrr” 

Home is not having to cry every day because I miss them 

I want to go home

Manipulation

 “All people do all day is try an manipulate each other!” “You’re the most Manipulative person I know” “I see your manipulation, and I don’t like it”. 

The origin of the word manipulate comes from the root Latin and later French word “manipulus” which means “handful”. 

2a: to manage or utilize skillfullyquantify our data and manipulate it statistically— S. L. Payne

b: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantagebeing used and manipulated by the knowing men around him— New Republic

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose : DOCTORsuspected that the police reports were manipulated— Evelyn G. Cruickshanks

Even the more negative definitions use the word artful, or skillful, not necessarily underhanded. 

As humans we have been granted free will. This is why it can be said that everyone only does what they want. Even if it may not seem like it, no one can force anyone else to do anything. There are thousands of factors that are going to help determine what we want. There are hundreds of thousands of opportunities to change someone’s determination of what they want. 

When humans are in the toddler stage, the manipulation begins. Parents and caregivers use dozens of various forms of discipline, reward systems, and reactions to communicate how it is we want the toddler to perform. This by its very nature is a form of manipulation. Our purpose, as parents is, at least we believe, not only for the good of the child but an absolute necessity for survival. Eat your vegetables and you will get a treat. Vegetables equal good health, vital nutrients for life, and getting our children to eat them is absolutely necessary. “Getting our children to…” 

As we get older the manipulation becomes reciprocal. Child believes she wants a new toy (by the way who manipulated her into wanting it?) so she acts in a way to change or manipulate her parents to buy her this toy. She may start by using her best manners, doing her schoolwork, keeping her room tidy. If this form of manipulation is successful she is given what she wanted and will either a: stop manipulating until she wants something else or b: continue the behavior knowing there is something else she will want eventually. 

If the manipulation tactics are not successful however, she will most likely turn to other forms of manipulation. She may beg, she may cry, she may even act out in defiance depending on the history of the parents reaction to this. In some cases parents, either because of sheer lack of resources ie: time, energy, or patience will respond to these forms of manipulation by giving the child what she wants! The resulting chaos of having given in to such obviously inappropriate attempts at manipulation are profound. Children are human after all although sometimes we doubt this. It’s almost as black and white as a math equation. Child will continue in whichever behavior gets her what she wants. 

I’ve heard many parents say “my child only behaves in the way I want them to when they want something. “Well… Doesn’t everyone only behave in the way everyone else wants them to when they want something? 

Bare with me here. Is the actual problem, when someone is upset or feels as though they are being manipulated, that the performance isn’t up to par? Maybe when people complain about their kids acting a certain way it’s because the kids are not quite manipulating in the right way. I know most people don’t want to accept the fact that their kids are manipulating them. But in reality what parents want is for their kids to do a better job of it. 

Even if what you want is quite basically for other people to stay in your life or to be around someone else or for someone else to pay attention to you, we as humans are constantly looking for the way in which we need to act or manipulate others in order to get what we want from them.

So the questions, in every relationship, we are essentially asking each other are: 

what is it you want from me and what are you willing to do to get it? 

what do I need to do for you or how do I need to behave to get what I want ? 

are you willing to do what I want you to do or behave the way I want you to behave in order to keep me around? 

How must I behave in order to get you to stay?  

So where pray tell does Love fall in all of this? Why do we love who we love? Do you actually love me or or you just telling me you do in order to get what you want. This is where people get confused. My kids are human, and I am human, therefore I try and teach them The way in which I want them to perform in order to get what they want from me. The very very core part of this that’s not manipulation is that sometimes the reason they want to look to me to provide what they want is because they love me. Most kids has many people in their life who can provide what they want for me it is a privilege when they choose me to be the sad provider. Number one because it shows they know I’m capable, number two it shows in general that they understand me and that they know I understand them and number three I’m happy to provide what they want because I usually get happiness out of whatever performance I’m expecting.  I don’t gain happiness from watching other people’s kids become good drivers, I am happy when my own kids are good drivers. My kids want to drive, therefore they choose to show me they are good drivers, this makes me happy, so I give them what they want to be able to drive.

I’ve recently noticed that it’s becoming more obvious to me as an adult what each adult and my life is hoping to get from me. Some of them want me attention some want my help some just want someone to talk to or someone they can trust. A lot of people appreciate my problem solving skills and advice and that is such a compliment to me. Some people genuinely like my company. They like how they feel when they are around me. It’s really only when I cannot figure out what someone wants that I begin to panic. The rejected by her parents little girl comes out and goes into fight or flight mode. Because I am so intently self aware, at least I believe I am, it’s way more productive to be up front in communicating what it is you want from me right at the start. I will tell you exactly the forms of manipulation work best for me 😉

Flying...

 I wrote this a while back... 

So... on the subject of flying... as you all know I'm a mermaid. We swim. However I'm considering a career change to a monkey? In the meantime I'm a bird. Airlines have got to be the most unproductive behind the times business ive seen. I arrive at fresno air terminal 2 hours ahead. Since I'm a rule follower these days. At approximately half an hour before my flight to Phoenix is scheduled to board we are told that Phoenix has grounded us. Ordering us to wait to board until 430. We are scheduled to leave at 4. This puts us 1 hour past schedule. I have 45 minutes in Phoenix between the time my plane lands and the next flight is scheduled to begin boarding. This means basically when I get off the plane i will have less than 5 minutes to get to my next flight before the door closes. As you may realize I am currently disabled. The pilot is standing there at the gate and he and I banter back and forth about knowing doc brown haha. Then he proceeds to tell me this has been going on with Phoenix for months. What I witness next is a scene out of a movie as 35 people from my flight headed to various parts of the country come to the gate to ask how much time they will have to make it to the next flight. A woman starts crying because she will miss the birth of her grandchild,  a lawyer starts to panic about not making a trial. I am mildly annoyed but # 1 I run on the power of positive thinking and im already picturing myself making it onto my connecting flight #2 my boss has a track record of sending "angels" to help me and #3 its just not that serious. So the flight leaves over an hour late, no one has any idea if they are going to make it (btw im just using logic but would american airlines rather pay for 35 plus hotel rooms or have one plane wait 10 minutes?) Anyway. The people on my flight happen to be absolutely cool and helping each other out, letting those of us who need to make a flight first leave, yelling out which gate to go to it was so cool.) I exit the plane, my chair is there with the sweetest young Jamaican guy and I calmly asked him if he had any experience with with NASCAR or driving in LA. Blank blink....?? "I have to make it to b28 before they shut the door and I dont know if it's already shut so im gonna need you to push quick :-)" he says ok. Hes weaving in and out around toddlers and old people- impressed even me and I worked at dennys! Suddenly he comes up behind an impasse...3pilots, walking at a semi slow pace, side by side.. "geeezuuuus" I hear my Jamaican nascar driver mutter under his breathe and before I even think about it I hear this very loud, but pleasant, and assertive sing song voice come out of my very own mouth "single file please gentlemen!" And like a dance they glance at me, and move single file and we zoom to the gate. As we get to the gate I recognize my new lawyer friend who is headed to Milwaukee.  I hear him saying to the obviously frazzled gate attendant "johnson is here too! Dont leave without her!" Ha! The attendant yells out "gimme your boarding passes and just sitting down wherever!" I hand my driver a tip tell him he is fantastic,  look at the flight attendant and refuse my crutches "shes gonna hop! " ...and now I arrive in Phoenix in time. I think I will stick to swimming and climbing for a while after this trip.I 

The one who got away (from a few years ago).

 Very recently I talked to a person you could consider "the one who got away". I turned him down in hs. He was sweet to me, so cute, and the connection was there. My life would have been VERY different if I had said yes. His life would have been different. I do not live my life with regret. I can think of very few times when I’ve layed my head in my hands and really ached about my decision making. I haven’t had an easy life. Some might say I can only blame myself. I picked men not based on compatibility but on what I believed was chemistry but really it was probably me looking for validation. Not that said “one who got away” wasnt validating me-he was, but maybe because he wasnt broken, didnt NEED me, he knew his own self worth instead of feeling hopeless like SOME of my other love selections, I was scared to let him in. Ladies; don't be like Jenn. Find a man who knows and respects himself,  knows his own worth along with seeing yours. Dont fall into the “oh but I need to save someone “ trap. You dont need to save anyone and they dont need to save you. That's not something healthy to base a relationship or especially a marriage on. Pick someone your dad would pick for you. Pick the person who’s nice to your mom, and carries her bags ALL the way to the train door, ( Justin Gereg ) Pick someone who matches your drive, your moral compass, and your loyal nature. Pick someone who keeps you on your toes and inspires you to be your best you.